Final Farewell

On this past glorious Saturday, April 7 (Easter Saturday), John's ashes were lowered into Samish Bay about 1/2 mile off the beach of Larrabee State Park.  This park, situated on Washington's famous Chuckanut Drive, has always been very special to John and I.  Fred Higgins and his wife Carolyn supplied the boat and the three of us headed out at about 5:00 p.m.  My mother, brother Rob, John's brother Ray and his daughter Emory witnessed from shore.  Along with John's urn, I floated a hand-tied bouquet of cherry blossoms from our friend and neighbor Linda Steckler and a daphne odora blossom (one of John's favorites) from our garden.
When John's body was cremated, I asked if a card that I had given him this last Christmas could go with him.  It was an "invitation" to our 30th anniversary wedding vow renewal which I had arranged as a surprise when we were to have been on Maui this last January.  As you know, that trip was never taken.
Among other things that I that wrote to John in that invitation was a verse from a Valentine's Day card he had given me several years ago.  It is the most beautiful card I have ever received and it perfectly sums up what I feel about John.  I'd like to end this blog by sharing those words with you:
     "You are the dream I wake from in the night...
             you are the first sweet morning thing I see.
       You are the bed, the roof above my head...you are the shining light
             You are the home I always hoped love would be.
       You are my sun, my moon, my life --
              My beloved eternity."
Be sure to tell the ones you love that you do indeed love them.  You'll never regret letting them know, without a doubt, how you feel.  I know how John felt about me and vice versa.  We left nothing unsaid.  And I'm thankful for that.
Maybe I'll start a "Nancy's Progress" blog.  Or perhaps I'll just update my Facebook page...now that I've finally succumbed to social networking.  In the meantime, I thank each of you with all my heart for your love, friendship and support.  And I love you, John...for all eternity...Nancy

Let's Raise a Glass

I really should start another blog under another name.  John has already "progressed" to the great wine tasting in the sky or whatever Heaven may be and the only ones making any "progress" are the rest of us still muddling along, trying to make sense -- and SOMETHING -- out of our lives.
However I came across something in this morning's Seattle Times that touched me and I wanted to share it with you.  Although I live in the great metropolis of Blaine (Birch Bay, actually, a "suburb" of said metropolis), I like to get the Sunday Times.  And as I have done since Dad passed away in '94, I read the obits.  Today I noticed a listing for Rick D. Remillard.  I did not know Rick D. Remillard, but in quickly scanning his obituary the word "wine" popped out.  (Thank you Evelyn Wood Reading Dynamics.)
Rick D. Remillard was born in 1959, three years after John.  He loved to travel and he loved wine.  Throughout his brief life he would combine his two passions, tasting and researching wines, while exploring the countries of Europe and beyond.  Rick earned a B.A. in Business Administration from the University of Washington and, after other jobs, became a wine steward for Central Market's Shoreline and Mill Creek stores as well as becoming a Certified Sommelier...no small feat.  Unfortunately, like John, Rick died from cancer at a much-too-young age.
It's too bad Rick D. Remillard and John did not get to know each other.  However, there is no doubt in my mind that Rick D. Remillard and John are raising a glass together and sharing tales of their passions for travel and that ancient nectar known as wine.  I hope they save a nice Chateau Margaux for for the rest of us.
Cheers...Nancy

Joined In Grief

It's been nearly a month since John died.  I don't know if any of you are still following this blog.  I may keep it going for a while.  I suppose the title "John's Progress" is not exactly appropriate anymore.  However, I consider myself John's legacy and -- as such -- am keeping some sort of progress in his name ongoing.
I wanted to share that a dear friend (who John and I actually never met) has also passed away from this horrible, HORRIBLE disease known as esophageal cancer.  Sean Gilbert, the husband of a friend of my cousin Kathy, had to bid his wife and three sons goodbye on March 15.  Sean was diagnosed in late 2010; John on January 13, 2011.  Sean's wife, Julie, and I have maintained e-correspondence throughout our respective journeys.  My heart breaks for the Gilbert family as I know theirs does for me.  I would like to ask that you all keep them in your hearts and prayers...They, as do I, need as many of those as they can get.  Bless you for your friendship and support for me in these hard days of adjustment.  I -- along with the Gilberts -- are looking at an upcoming year of "firsts" that will be difficult to get through.  Julie, if you are reading this, we are ALL walking with you.  And my beloved John is welcoming your Sean.  We are all connected in sorrow and joy...My love and best wishes to all...And, of course, thank you...Nancy

A New Journey Begins

This Saturday is John's memorial service.  And while there are many knowns, there is a great unknown.  Mainly, what will my new journey be like?  One thing is certain:  John will forever remain a part of me.  It was John's wish that, should anyone like to make a memorial donation, the World Wildlife Fund was his choice.  I would like to add and addendum to that.
The care that both John and I received at Whatcom Hospice House was beyond words.  The entire staff -- from reception desk to volunteers to professional medical personnel -- are caring, talented individuals who make a terrible time in life livable.  I would like to ask that Whatcom Hospice House also be included in any memorial tribute any of you would like to make.  I've asked Hospice House that any funds donated in John's name be pooled together.  If enough is collected, a memorial placque will be added to the donor's/memorial wall with John's name on it.  I can't think of a more fitting tribute to one of the most courageous, truthful, kind, loving man I have or will ever know.  I love you John Grigsby.  And I know God and many people love you, too.
Thank you, may God bless you, and may John watch over us all...Nancy

The Journey's End

John passed away at approximately 9:30 p.m. tonight.  One of the nurses, Nirvana, was by his side.  How appropriate that someone with that beautiful name was praying by his bedside when he went home.  Laura and I returned to Hospice House and stood at the door as John's body was taken away.  When someone passes away at Hospice House, their body is washed with lavender water and the body bag is wrapped in the quilt that was on the person's bed.  The staff forms two lines at the front door and a bell is rung three times, saying good-bye and God speed.
It is over.  John is finally at peace...And I have been truly loved and blessed by a great man...Once again, I thank you...Nancy.

And Still It Goes...

The home telephone never rang last night.  So I called Hospice House this morning before getting out of bed to get a status report on John.  I was sad to hear that he is still breathing, albeit in short gasps.  There is no response, no sign of life other than his irregular pulse and his breath.
Before all of this started way back in January of last year, I was in favor of physician-assisted suicide in cases of terminal illness.  And I am affirmed in that belief.  However, John never made those same beliefs clear when it came to himself.  He was most clear on his wishes to withhold life support, including fluids and nutrition.  Unfortunately his body was so healthy...other than the bloody cancer...that his heart keeps beating and his organs keep functioning; with the exception of his kidneys which have greatly diminished in their output of urine.
So here I sit with Laura by John's bedside.  We've tried prayer, having a minister bless John, beg, threaten, released a balloon to the heavens...Nothing seems to help him.  I've asked John to open his heart to the love that is all around him; to reach his hand to those who will welcome him Home.
I love John Grigsby.  I ask God to love him, too...My thanks to you for your support and prayers...Nancy

Friends

Last night I called Laura, our neighbor and friend from our Bothell neighborhood, and asked if she would come spend a night or two with me.  True to form, she dropped everything, called work to say she would not be in for a couple of days, and came to Hospice House where we both spent the night with John.  (Granted there was time when this sleeping arrangement might have raised some eyebrows.  But Laura's a true friend who is not worried about her reputation.)  I was originally planning to go home last night, but around 10:00 we decided to stay.  And another friend of John's -- one of his wine buddies -- Alan French came from Ferndale prepared to sit the night with John as he thought I would not be here.  What a wonderful, kind gesture...And what wonderful friends John and I have!
John's night was spent with cheyne-stokes respiration and congestion settling into his lungs.  This morning, as Laura, the cats and I sit by his bedside, we are all praying that God will take John home now.  I sense the loving presence of others who have walked this path before John, waiting to welcome him.  So I'm asking all of you to pray, meditate or reflect that John will let go of his tired body and go to prepare a feast for us all that will be ready for us to share when our time comes.  There is strength in numbers...Let there be strength in prayer.  We are all better people for having walked this terrible journey together.  But we are also better people for having had John in our lives.  Once again, I thank you all for your help and I thank God for friends...Nancy