I arrived at Hospice House a little later than usual today. Housecleaners Samantha and Beth were scheduled and I stayed home to let them in and to put the kitties in "lock-up" in the studio. When I walked into John's room he was sleeping. So I quietly put my backpack, coat and purse on the daybed...which of course woke him up. He looked at me with a quizzical look on his face, not smiling at me like he usually does. I sat on the chair next to the bed, took his hand and said hi...No reply or look of recognition. I asked, "Do you know who I am?". A slight head shake and I answered, "I'm Nancy...Your wife.". And then the light came on in his face and he knew me.
And so it finally happened. I knew this day would come and yet I had hoped John wouldn't make it this far. I feel that I'm ready for John to die. But I also know that, when the time comes, I'll want to scream, "Not yet!". I hope that when my time comes, I'll see John but not have that "you look familiar, but" experience. I would not want to break his heart.
And so we go onward, with God's help and your love...Thank you for it all...Nancy
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Small
I arrived in John's room this morning and found him sleeping peacefully. But I was struck by the realization of how small he is. And it made me so sad. I want to remember John the way he was; my gentle-faced, blue-eyed, handsome husband and friend who always made me feel loved...a man who believed in me like no one else...the man who would envelope me in his arms and make the world go away.
I so miss our evening dinners at home. That was my favorite time of day. I always had a good home cooked meal (well, OK, maybe too much meal sometimes). We would have a glass or two of wine and share our day's events at the dining table. Sounds kind of like the '50's, doesn't it? Well maybe it was, but it was the best.
I often wondered if I did the right thing by leaving the "corporate world" those many years ago. But I believe, and John always said, that our quality of life was better for it. I have had the best life, creating a home for the two of us and branching out into art and teaching. No matter what I did, John was my biggest fan.
I hope to continue with the art and teaching workshops. I owe it to John to do my best...to live the rest of my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. I am a better person, a better woman, for having shared my life with this most wonderful man. He has been my gift from God and a friend to you all...And so we continue for one more day...Nancy
I so miss our evening dinners at home. That was my favorite time of day. I always had a good home cooked meal (well, OK, maybe too much meal sometimes). We would have a glass or two of wine and share our day's events at the dining table. Sounds kind of like the '50's, doesn't it? Well maybe it was, but it was the best.
I often wondered if I did the right thing by leaving the "corporate world" those many years ago. But I believe, and John always said, that our quality of life was better for it. I have had the best life, creating a home for the two of us and branching out into art and teaching. No matter what I did, John was my biggest fan.
I hope to continue with the art and teaching workshops. I owe it to John to do my best...to live the rest of my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. I am a better person, a better woman, for having shared my life with this most wonderful man. He has been my gift from God and a friend to you all...And so we continue for one more day...Nancy
Monday, February 6, 2012
Anniversary
Today is our 30th Anniversary. And a quiet day for visitors which is good and bad. Good because the quiet after a busy weekend allows John some rest. Bad because I find myself looking at the clock and reflecting on what John and I were doing at the same time 30 years ago.
February 6, 1982 was a gloriously sunny day...much like today but there was not a single cloud in the sky. On that day, my mom told me of an old saying, "Happy the bride the sun shines upon." It must be true. I have been the happiest bride for nearly all of these 30 years. The only hard times have been this past year of cancer and, now, watching John slip away.
He's experiencing more confusion and hallucinations. Nothing frightening though, thank goodness. And he's sleeping almost all the time. But as I watch John's chest rise and fall with each breath I catch myself praying, "Dear God, let this be his last one," offered both in hope and fear. And I keep waiting for that sense of others gone before who have come to bring John the peace he so deserves.
As I recite "The Lord's Prayer" and get to the part "...Thy will be done," I continually beseech God to let my will be His. But it doesn't seem to work that way. I must continue to try to adopt the virtue of patience. I must have patience with God and myself. I must trust to God's will and to the love and friendship of those who have come with us thus far...I thank you...Nancy
February 6, 1982 was a gloriously sunny day...much like today but there was not a single cloud in the sky. On that day, my mom told me of an old saying, "Happy the bride the sun shines upon." It must be true. I have been the happiest bride for nearly all of these 30 years. The only hard times have been this past year of cancer and, now, watching John slip away.
He's experiencing more confusion and hallucinations. Nothing frightening though, thank goodness. And he's sleeping almost all the time. But as I watch John's chest rise and fall with each breath I catch myself praying, "Dear God, let this be his last one," offered both in hope and fear. And I keep waiting for that sense of others gone before who have come to bring John the peace he so deserves.
As I recite "The Lord's Prayer" and get to the part "...Thy will be done," I continually beseech God to let my will be His. But it doesn't seem to work that way. I must continue to try to adopt the virtue of patience. I must have patience with God and myself. I must trust to God's will and to the love and friendship of those who have come with us thus far...I thank you...Nancy
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The Journey Is Nearing an End
Today brings bigger changes for John. He's experiencing more moments of confusion and it's become very difficult for him to talk. Everything from raising his hand to scratch his head to focusing on conversation is evidently more and more challenging.
Arrangements have been made and all is in place, including John's acceptance of the next phase of his life. I will keep you all posted...Our journey together is coming to an end, mercifully but with great sadness. John touched so many people in his life: his tackle and fishing customers at Sports West; his fraternity brothers at WSU; his friends throughout life; his customers and co-workers at Haggen; neighbors; family; but, especially, me. We are all better people for having had "Hon" in our lives...Thank you...Love to you all...We go forward together...Nancy
Arrangements have been made and all is in place, including John's acceptance of the next phase of his life. I will keep you all posted...Our journey together is coming to an end, mercifully but with great sadness. John touched so many people in his life: his tackle and fishing customers at Sports West; his fraternity brothers at WSU; his friends throughout life; his customers and co-workers at Haggen; neighbors; family; but, especially, me. We are all better people for having had "Hon" in our lives...Thank you...Love to you all...We go forward together...Nancy
Friday, February 3, 2012
Birthday
Today is my 56th birthday. And, like last year's, it is an extremely difficult day. Our 30th Anniversary is this coming Monday. People have said to me, "You're so strong..." Well I tell you, I'm broken.
John was in hospital on New Year's Eve. If I had heard one more, "Happy New Year!" I would have "gone postal" right there on the third floor of St. Joe's. Event days, like birthdays and special holidays, are impossible to ignore yet excruciatingly painful to recognize. I did go out for lunch today with friends, Jerry and Geri Hill -- yep, they're married and share a somewhat common name...no excuse for forgetting either one's moniker -- which got me outside on a beautiful, sunny day. But I'm afraid I was not the best company for the Hills. Thankfully they are good people and good friends.
I don't know why good people like John have to suffer. Nor do I know why reasonably good people like myself have to get dragged along. All I know is if anything, ANYTHING good comes out of this hell it has to be the realization and appreciation of the goodness in people. I truly don't know how I am getting through all of this without the loving support of friends and strangers who have come on this journey with John and I.
You've been praying for John all these long months. I'm asking that you say one for me. I am so very weary and I long for peace, both for myself and for John. Your prayers mean the world...With loving thanks...Nancy
John was in hospital on New Year's Eve. If I had heard one more, "Happy New Year!" I would have "gone postal" right there on the third floor of St. Joe's. Event days, like birthdays and special holidays, are impossible to ignore yet excruciatingly painful to recognize. I did go out for lunch today with friends, Jerry and Geri Hill -- yep, they're married and share a somewhat common name...no excuse for forgetting either one's moniker -- which got me outside on a beautiful, sunny day. But I'm afraid I was not the best company for the Hills. Thankfully they are good people and good friends.
I don't know why good people like John have to suffer. Nor do I know why reasonably good people like myself have to get dragged along. All I know is if anything, ANYTHING good comes out of this hell it has to be the realization and appreciation of the goodness in people. I truly don't know how I am getting through all of this without the loving support of friends and strangers who have come on this journey with John and I.
You've been praying for John all these long months. I'm asking that you say one for me. I am so very weary and I long for peace, both for myself and for John. Your prayers mean the world...With loving thanks...Nancy
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Happiness
John had a few visitors today: my mom and dear family friend, Joe Macri; Michael from Haggen; and Jerry Ernster. Also a couple of friends from one of John's wine tasting groups, Bob and Jenise Stone (I hope I spelled Jenise correctly!) came by while John was napping and brought me dinner of smoked salmon and some broccoli/bean salad. Thank you! Much better than the frozen pizza I had planned to nuke this evening.
We also had a visit from Muriel Ferguson, a chaplain from St. Joseph's Hospital who we have come to know throughout this last year of cancer treatment. She wanted to talk to John about "spirituality." Not religion or faith, but "spirituality." She asked John about his values. He replied that to him, honesty is what matters most. Always tell the truth. And do your job -- deliver on your word.
She also asked John if he felt that he had accomplished his goals in life. Without hesitation he said, "Yes." When Muriel asked in what way, John replied, "I've had this wonderful woman in my life." And he looked at me. That, my friends, is pure happiness. I am honored and blessed to have mattered that much to the most wonderful man in the world...May each of you experience such happiness in your life...And the journey continues...Nancy
We also had a visit from Muriel Ferguson, a chaplain from St. Joseph's Hospital who we have come to know throughout this last year of cancer treatment. She wanted to talk to John about "spirituality." Not religion or faith, but "spirituality." She asked John about his values. He replied that to him, honesty is what matters most. Always tell the truth. And do your job -- deliver on your word.
She also asked John if he felt that he had accomplished his goals in life. Without hesitation he said, "Yes." When Muriel asked in what way, John replied, "I've had this wonderful woman in my life." And he looked at me. That, my friends, is pure happiness. I am honored and blessed to have mattered that much to the most wonderful man in the world...May each of you experience such happiness in your life...And the journey continues...Nancy
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
More Gradual Changes
I've "checked in" for a couple of nights with the cats in John's room. He's always glad to see Abigail and Token (and me, too, I think), and Token literally revels with all the attention. It only took about 15 minutes for word of their arrival to get out before his fans started dropping by to marvel at the "Amazingly Handsome Token" and pay a courteous nod to sister Abigail.
John's kidneys are slowing down in their urine output, which I believe indicates the beginnings of renal failure. Don't know how long this will go on; it's in Hands far greater than any one's here. John's eating and fluid intake has also decreased. As of 3:30 this afternoon, he has eaten one canned apricot and one canned prune accompanied by about 1/2 c of water for the day thus far.
I wish I had some great words of wisdom to impart or a witticism to lighten your hearts. I'll just, once again, say thank you for the visits, the cards, the prayers and positive thoughts. And from John, Abigail, Token and myself...we send you love...Nancy
John's kidneys are slowing down in their urine output, which I believe indicates the beginnings of renal failure. Don't know how long this will go on; it's in Hands far greater than any one's here. John's eating and fluid intake has also decreased. As of 3:30 this afternoon, he has eaten one canned apricot and one canned prune accompanied by about 1/2 c of water for the day thus far.
I wish I had some great words of wisdom to impart or a witticism to lighten your hearts. I'll just, once again, say thank you for the visits, the cards, the prayers and positive thoughts. And from John, Abigail, Token and myself...we send you love...Nancy
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